


Eridan's Wish

by Tirgo



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Be Careful What You Wish For, Brainwashing, Comedy, Eridan Ampora Being an Asshole, Fluff, I like Eridan guys I swear, Mind Manipulation, Multi, One Shot, POV Eridan Ampora, Pesterlog(s) (Homestuck), Pre-Hivebent, Romantic Comedy, Stream of Consciousness, Supernatural Elements, Wish Fulfillment, clowning on our favorite fish lad, unabashed use of macguffins
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-26
Updated: 2020-10-26
Packaged: 2021-03-08 22:21:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,907
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27203740
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tirgo/pseuds/Tirgo
Summary: If you asked him, Eridan's greatest desire would be "for everyone to want to go out wwith me". Unfortunately for the world, he gains the power to make it happen. As logic takes hold, Eridan begins to regret his decision, but can anything be done? One shot.
Relationships: Eridan Ampora & Kanaya Maryam, Eridan Ampora/Equius Zahhak, Eridan Ampora/Feferi Peixes, Eridan Ampora/Gamzee Makara, Eridan Ampora/Nepeta Leijon
Comments: 2
Kudos: 18





	Eridan's Wish

A familiar scene. Eridan was sitting at his computer, head resting on the keyboard, weeping openly. Another troll had rejected his advances. He honestly thought he had done a pretty solid job on the seduction, certainly above par, but it was still not enough to win their heart. They also both blocked him after saying he was 'living trash'. That didn't help his mood either. It was hard. Being a kid and no one understands, that is. Eridan's crying was always the same, in that anyone who witnessed it would feel like laughing at him. Let's just say he was a vocal cryer. He didn't understand at all. Was he simply cursed? Why would nobody love him? Was it because he called them sluts or 'idiot land-dwelling scumfucks' after they rejected him? No, he thought to himself. It must be because he was cursed. 

"Eridan," came a disapproving voice, making Eridan jump.

Whipping around and sending tears flying everywhere, Eridan glared at his lusus with a petulant scowl. "I'm fuckin' busy!" he snapped. "Wwhat do you wwant?!"

Seahorse dad merely looked at him with an unamused expression. "Here," he said simply.

Eridan's lusus briefly reeled his tail back, then smacked something on the floor Eridan hadn't noticed was there. The item smashed into his foot so fast, it actually made him fall out of his chair. "HEY!!!" he shouted after his lusus, who had already left the room.

Eridan, twitching while glaring wide-eyed at the floor beneath him, considered breaking down and crying again. But no, there were more important matters. What the hell was that thing? He picked himself up and took his lusus's gift from the ground. It was a bottle with some kind of letter or message inside. While not exactly common, he had received messages like this before, usually from sea-dwellers who wanted to insult him without having to do it in person. His lusus occasionally wandered the beach and came across them. It kind of annoyed Eridan, but some of the things his lusus had found did prove useful to him.

Eridan removed the cork and took the letter out, tossing the bottle over his shoulder. It simply read: "Your next spoken wish will come true." Confused, he turned the letter over. There was nothing else. Something about it made him scoff. Was this someone's idea of a joke? He crumpled up the letter and threw it out the nearest window, where it plopped into the sea, floating next to a pile of other litter he had contributed to the beautiful water. 

He sat back down at his desk. That message must have been some kind of stupid prank. Perhaps one of the other sea dwellers in the area was jealous of him and wanted to make him look stupid. Then again, even if he spoke a wish, it wasn't like that troll could possibly hear it. He was all alone in his hive, save for that thing that raised him or whatever. What wish would he even make? Not that it mattered, it was just a stupid pointless prank. But, he thought, what if it wasn't a prank? What if some kind of supernatural being was watching him and could make his greatest wishes come true? It couldn't hurt to try, right? Worst case scenario, nothing happened.

He sat back in his chair lazily and scoffed. "I wwish evveryone wwanted to go out wwith me... or somethin'," he said aloud.

He didn't move for a while. He wasn't sure what he was waiting for. He sat straight in his chair, seriousness taking over him again. Of course it was just a stupid prank. Although, he had to admit, they had succeeded in a way as they managed to make him take pause for a few minutes. Then, suddenly, he noticed someone had messaged him. Someone talking to HIM first besides Feferi? What was this all about? Maybe it was someone pissed off at him again. Yeah, probably.

\-- centaursTesticle [CT] began trolling caligulasAquarium [CA] \--

CT: D --> Ampora  
CT: D --> Could we talk  
CA: wwhat in the fuck could you possibly wwant from me  
CT: D --> I will admit that the thought of talking to a sea dweller like you would normally feel to me like a sick joke  
CT: D --> However I have had a change of heart and would like to discuss something with you  
CA: ok ill bite  
CA: wwhat  
CT: D --> Er  
CT: D --> The truth is that  
CT: D --> I was wondering if you wanted to attend a get together  
CA: a wwhat  
CT: D --> I recently came up with the idea for some of us to come together as a group and meet in person  
CT: D --> The purpose, of horse, would be to have an enjoyable time  
CA: wwhat in the fuck  
CA: youre invviting me to a fuckin party  
CA: let me guess this is actually nep using your name or somethin  
CA: yeah yeah i get it already ha ha  
CT: D --> I assure you I say this with all seriousness  
CT: D --> And as myself  
CA: let me get this straight  
CA: you fuckin hate my guts for wwho the fuck knowws howw long  
CA: noww you wwant to hang out  
CA: in person  
CT: D --> Yes  
CA: im not buyin it  
CT: D --> Or perhaps we could just have it be between the two of us  
CA: wwhat  
CT: D --> We could not involve others  
CT: D --> It could be something of a high blood meeting  
CA: since wwhen do you consider me a high blood  
CT: D --> We may have had our differences before but I feel as though we perhaps got off on the wrong hoof  
CT: D --> I am interested in changing the dynamic of our relationship  
CA: im just gonna be honest wwith you this is the most retarded shit ivve evver read in my life  
CA: this is gettin real fuckin wweird so im just gonna block you  
CT: D --> Wait a moment  
CT: D --> Urk  
CT: D --> Okay I will admit it  
CT: D --> It would be fair to say that I have a STRONG interest in pursuing a romantic relationship with you  
CT: D --> Would you have mutual interest in such an arrangement  
CA: youvve got to be kidding me right now  
CT: D --> To be transparent with you I am now feeling quite flustered  
CT: D --> Confessing your feelings can be quite mentally ta%ing  
CT: D --> Especially when you are so an%ious to hear the response of your beloved  
CA: jesus fuck dude  
CT: D --> I promise you that I am being legitimate with my claims  
CT: D --> I have yet to tell anything coming close to a lie in our conversation thus far  
CT: D --> I don't know how I can make you believe me  
CT: D --> Unless we were to meet and give it a try  
CT: D --> I promise I will do everything in my power to not hurt you when we embrace  
CA: oh for fucks sake

\-- caligulasAquarium [CA] blocked centaursTesticle [CT] \--

\-- caligulasAquarium [CA] stopped trolling centaursTesticle [CT] \--

What in the hell was that? That muscle freak had lost it completely. He was shocked CT would even be capable of saying such things. Surely they would vomit at just the thought of acting friendly with him, much less go on to say even more absurd things. It had to have been Nepeta, he thought. He was a bit surprised she was able to keep the joke going and never gave herself away. While mulling this over, he suddenly noticed that he had a new message. Not just that, but it seemed as though SEVERAL people were contacting him. He had never, ever had more than one person trying to get a hold of him at the same time. He decided to answer his moirail first.

\-- cuttlefishCuller [CC] began trolling caligulasAquarium [CA] \--

CC: -Eridan!!!  
CC: 38)  
CC: -ERIDAN!!!!  
CA: yeah wwhat  
CC: -Eridan, do you know )(ow I feel rig)(t now??  
CA: is it excited  
CC: Y-ES I'M -EXCIT-ED!!!  
CC: You know me so well... 38)  
CA: wwhats got you so fuckin jazzed  
CC: O)(, -Eridan! 38)  
CC: T)(at's my little secret for now. 3;)  
CA: ok  
CA: so  
CA: you messaged me to tell me youre excited but youre not going to tell me wwhat youre excited about  
CC: Yea)(!  
CC: Plus, I get to talk to you! 38)  
CA: wwell im glad youre happy to talk to me  
CA: did somethin good happen to you to put you in such a good mood  
CC: Somet)(ing DID, actually!!  
CC: In fact, maybe it was somet)(ing t)(at )(appened long ago and I just failed to notice?  
CC: I'm not sure myself!  
CA: uh  
CA: alright  
CC: 38)  
CC: )(e)(e)(e)(e.  
CC: )(-E)(-E)(-E)(-E!  
CA: glub  
CC: Glub glub!  
CA: uhh  
CA: glub glub  
CC: Glub! 38)  
CA: glub glub  
CC: GLUB GLUB GLUB!!!!  
CC: )(e)(e.  
CA: really good mood huh  
CC: R-EALLY GOOD MOOD!!!  
CC: O)( -Eridan, you just don't understand!  
CC: It's like my w)(ole world )(as c)(anged in an instant...  
CC: It's )(ard to stop from grinning from ear to ear!  
CA: wwhat coulda evven fuckin happened  
CC: 38)  
CC: )(e)(e.  
CC: -Eriiiidaaaan...  
CA: wwhat  
CC: I just like typing t)(at name out. You )(ave a great name, you know?  
CA: uh glad you like it  
CA: are you feelin ok  
CA: did you get in an accident and rattle your sponge or somethin  
CC: )(-E)(-E! Sponge!  
CC: )(ey -Eridan, did you know t)(ere are creatures called sponges that exist underwater?  
CA: yes i am a sea dwweller of course i knoww about them  
CA: ivve heard things  
CA: somewwhere  
CC: Maybe we s)(ould go and take a look at t)(em sometime? Just t)(e two of us? 38)  
CC: You s)(ould spend more time underwater anyway!  
CA: wwhy are you specificin just the twwo of us wwhen its not like wwe evver hang out wwith anyone else anywway  
CC: I wanted to specify it just so it's sure t)(at you know I want it to be just t)(e two of us, silly.  
CA: well  
CA: guess i cant argue wwith that  
CC: So will you come and see t)(e sponges wit)( me?? 38)  
CA: ehh  
CA: dont really think i need to see them for myself  
CA: its just a fuckin sea sponge  
CC: Well, it would be a good opportunity for us to spend some time toget)(er!  
CC: W)(en was t)(e last time we just )(ung out?  
CA: not recently enough  
CC: S-E-E??  
CC: Come on, t)(e water's fine! 38D  
CA: yeah wwhatevver ill hang out wwith you soon but im still concerned about the state of your thinkpan  
CC: I'm fine! No, really!  
CC: I don't want you t)(inking I've gone crazy, because I )(aven't. Actually, maybe I )(AV-E??  
CC: I'm just...  
CC: A)()()()(!  
CC: I can't say it! )(e)(e)(e)(e!  
CA: maybe this wwould all become a lot simpler if you just told me wwhat the hell happened to you to get you all fuckin wworked up  
CC: Okay... I'll tell you w)(en we get toget)(er later!  
CC: 38)  
CC: Deal?  
CA: alright deal  
CC: Yay!  
CC: I'd really, really rather talk but I )(ave to get going! Lots of errands to run today... 3X(  
CC: I'll talk to you soon, okay?  
CA: ok  
CC: 38)  
CC: Byeee.  
CA: bye  
CC: )(e)(e!  
CC: Bye, -Eridan, see you soon!  
CA: bye  
CA: uh  
CA: arent you going to end the conversation and leave  
CC: O)(, rig)(t!  
CC: See, t)(is is w)(y I need you. 38D  
CC: Okay bye!  
CA: bye  
CC: Bye...  
CA: BYE

\-- caligulasAquarium [CA] stopped trolling cuttlefishCuller [CC] \--

Something seriously felt off about Feferi today. Even more unusually, four more trolls were trying to get in contact with him. Why now? He glanced at the window he threw the letter out of. Yeah fucking right, he thought to himself. He clicked on another name.

\-- arsenicCatnip [AC] began trolling caligulasAquarium [CA] \--

AC: :33 < hi!  
CA: hey  
CA: i thought you blocked me  
AC: :33 < h33 h33  
AC: :33 < well i did  
AC: :33 < but i took it off  
AC: :33 < no reason to k33p holding grudges right?  
CA: based on wwhat you said i thought youd nevver wwant to talk to me again  
CA: but wwhatevver i guess ill take it  
CA: so is there any particular reason wwhy you unblocked me right now and not any other time  
AC: :33 < just felt like the right thing to do!  
AC: :33 < we may have had our differences before but i f33l as though we purrhaps got off on the wrong paw  
CA: um  
AC: :33 < i uhh  
AC: :33 < ummmm  
AC: :33 < i wanted to talk to you about  
AC: :33 < ummmmmmmmmmmmm  
AC: :33 < why am i so nervous???  
CA: uh  
AC: :33 < umm  
AC: :33 < okay ill just say it!!!  
AC: :33 < do you want to um  
AC: :33 < go on  
AC: :33 < a date?  
AC: :33 < with me?  
AC: :33 < X33  
AC: :33 < you dont have to say yes its okay!  
AC: :33 < just um putting that out there!  
AC: :33 < if you wanted to do that then thats also good?  
AC: :33 < umm yeah anything works so just let me know??  
CA: i  
CA: wwhat  
CA: ok just fuckin tell me the truth  
CA: are you behind all this  
AC: :33 < huh?  
CA: you got on your wweirdo moirails account and had him troll me and then you told feferi to act strange right  
CA: i bet you evven sent that letter  
CA: i kneww it all along  
CA: i fuckin kneww it  
AC: :33 < uhh  
AC: :33 < i dont have any clue what youre talking about...  
AC: :33 < im sorry...  
AC: :33 < if youre mad at me im really, really sorry... :((  
AC: :33 < i didnt mean to do anything bad i just wanted to reach out and ask that one thing...  
AC: :33 < i havent talked to equius today and honestly i dont even know who feferi is!  
CA: bull shit  
AC: :33 < i swear!!!!

\-- caligulasAquarium [CA] stopped trolling arsenicCatnip [AC] \--

Eridan was definitely starting to get nervous now. Was it really all Nepeta pulling a prank on him? 

\-- terminallyCapricious [TC] began trolling caligulasAquarium [CA] \--

TC: HeYyYyYyY mAn, WhAt ThE fUcK iS uP?  
TC: jUsT wAnTeD tO rEaCh OuT tO a BrOtHeR aNd LeT yOu KnOw AbOuT sOmE nEw FeElInG i GoT AlL uP iN mY mOtHeRfUcKiN hEaRt JuSt NoW.  
TC: :o)  
CA: uh  
CA: do you wwant to go out wwith me or somethin  
TC: sHiIiIiIiT mY fRiEnD, wHo Be LeTtInG yOu In On AlL mY iNnEr ThOuGhTs?  
CA: wwhat the fuck oh fuck oh fuck  
TC: hAhAhA yEaH!  
TC: i'M pReTtY sUrPrIsEd AnD eXcItEd AbOuT iT tOo.  
TC: HoNk HoNk! :o)

\-- caligulasAquarium [CA] stopped trolling terminallyCapricious [TC] \--

Eridan looked at his Trollian in shock. Karkat, Sollux, Vriska, Terezi; all of their usernames kept flashing. There was only one logical explanation for this. That letter was real. He sat back in his chair again, eyes wide, arms folded. His wish came true. Now everyone he knew wanted to go out with him. But... was it okay? Could he really in good conscience go out with any of them, knowing it was his wish that had changed their hearts? He'd have to think on it more. Idly, he browsed down his list of friends. Almost single one of them was now messaging him, including the people he had just recently spoken with already. There was however one name that remained unblinking. He slapped his forehead. Of course!

\-- caligulasAquarium [CA] started trolling grimAuxiliatrix [GA] \--

CA: kan  
CA: are you normal or not normal or what  
GA: Should I Be Annoyed By That Question  
CA: no you shouldnt be annoyed  
CA: you dont suddenly like randomly feel like  
CA: makin out wwith me or somethin like that right  
CA: kan you there  
CA: kan wwhat the fuck talk to me  
GA: Sorry  
GA: I Was Overcome With Laughter For Some Time  
CA: pheww  
CA: wwell at least someone out there hasnt fuckin lost their mind  
GA: What Are You Talking About  
CA: wwell  
CA: so my lusus found some fuckin message in a bottle somewwhere i dont evven fuckin KNOWW wwhere  
CA: an it just said make a wwish an it wwill come true  
CA: i wwished that evveryone wwould wwant to  
CA: uh  
GA: Date You I Presume  
CA: yes  
GA: And I Am To Believe This Has Come To Pass  
CA: yes  
GA: Okay  
GA: Im Waiting For The Punchline  
GA: Lay It On Me  
CA: there is no punchline  
CA: literally evveryone has been tryin to get their hands on my motherfuckin bone bulge its a madhouse  
GA: Okay  
CA: you dont believve me do you  
CA: wwhy the fuck do you think id evven say some rubbish like this LIKE I COULD EVEN MAKE THIS UP  
CA: just fuckin ask LITERALLY ANY FUCKIN PERSON ON YOUR FRIENDS LIST about me and theyll fuckin tell you im the bees knees  
GA: Ill Take You Up On That  
GA: One Moment  
CA: yeah do it go fuckin talk to someone youll see  
GA: Well  
GA: It Seems You Are Telling The Truth  
CA: SEE I FUCKIN TOLD YOU  
GA: How Could Something Of This Nature Happen  
CA: its that god damn message in a bottle  
CA: it has some kind of powwer  
GA: You Dont Know Where It Came From Right  
GA: Why Not Ask Your Lusus  
CA: good idea  
CA: one sec  
CA: he says he found it on the beach  
GA: That Doesnt Tell Us Much  
CA: fuck  
GA: I Would Have Figured You Would Be Taking This Boon In Stride  
GA: You Made This Wish  
GA: Surely You Should Be Happy  
CA: uhhhh  
CA: well i guess  
CA: i dont knoww  
CA: i dont really knoww howw to feel about it  
CA: i guess i should be fuckin happy but somethin about it doesnt feel totally right  
GA: You Mean The Part About Forcing People To Love You  
CA: yes that part  
CA: i mean i still got fuckin morals you know  
CA: i havve nevver sexually assaulted anyone not evven once  
GA: It Concerns Me That You Feel The Need To Tell Me That You Havent Assaulted Anyone  
CA: WWHATEVVER  
GA: If You Could Reverse It Would You  
CA: hmm  
CA: let me think about it  
GA: Take Your Time  
CA: aaaagghhh  
CA: ummmm  
CA: lets see  
CA: uhh  
CA: ok yes i do wwant it to be revversed  
CA: evven if i wwant fef to be into me i dont wwant it to be because of divvine intervvention  
CA: i wwant to wwin her ovver honestly  
GA: Very Mature Of You  
CA: thank you  
CA: wwell i wwould revverse it but i dont fuckin knoww howw to  
GA: Have You Tried Wishing For It  
CA: the letter said the next spoken wwish wwould count or somethin like that  
CA: i dont think i get twwo  
GA: Worth A Try  
CA: alright fine  
CA: one second

"I wwish for my last wwish to be revversed. Just fuckin' revverse that wwhole thing," said Eridan. 

He waited for a while to see if maybe something would happen. As he waited, seahorse dad looked into the room, saw him just sitting there not moving, and moved on down the hall. After a few moments, he went back to Kanaya.

CA: i said it  
CA: can you ask someone if it wworked  
GA: Lets See  
GA: It Appears That Terezi Is Still Enamored With You  
CA: damn  
CA: wwell im out of ideas  
GA: It Wasnt Your  
GA: Nevermind  
CA: you knoww wwhats really gettin on my nervves right noww  
CA: i keep gettin neww message notifications  
CA: if this is wwhat its like to be popular then fuckk  
CA: ugh  
CA: if nothing can be done then  
CA: i guess ill try livving like this  
GA: Id Hope You Keep Trying To Fix This Massive Issue  
GA: And Not Just Get Bored And Say You Did All You Could  
GA: If At All Possible This Has To Stop  
CA: FUCK  
CA: wwhat else am i supposed to fuckin do  
GA: Do You Still Have The Message In A Bottle  
CA: no i threww that shit into the ocean  
GA: You Threw Objects Into The Ocean  
CA: wwho the fuck evven cares its not like any other troll givves a fuck about the ocean anywway  
CA: might as wwell just fuckin pollute it some more  
GA: That Is One Way To Think About It  
CA: i think the bottle is still here though  
CA: and the cork  
GA: You Could Try Recorking The Bottle  
CA: alright wwhy the fuck not

Eridan got up and walked over to the bottle and cork, lying on the floor where he had discarded them earlier. He held them. There was no way this would actually work, right? He went to put the cork back inside the bottle's top. After a minute or two of struggling with it, the bottle was finally recorked. Feeling successful, Eridan tossed the bottle out the window, where it joined the rest of the garbage floating in the sea.

CA: i recorked it and threw it away  
GA: Not Sure Why You Threw It Away But Okay  
GA: Good News  
GA: It Seems To Have Worked  
CA: REALLY???  
GA: Terezi Is Telling Me That She Seems To Have Come To Her Senses  
GA: She Is Now Telling Me That She Would Never Date You So Long As You Lived  
CA: really?  
CA: damn  
CA: oh but fuck yeah wwe did it kan  
CA: wwell they wwere all my ideas but you wwere helpful i guess  
GA: Glad To Help  
GA: I Will Warn You However  
GA: It Seems That Those Who Were Affected Are None Too Pleased  
CA: just tell them it was mass hysteria or somethin  
GA: I Already Told Terezi The Whole Story  
GA: I Believe She Has Told Others Since Then  
GA: Looks To Me As Though They Are Angry With You For What You Did  
CA: wwhat!!  
CA: i didnt even fuckin DO ANYTHING  
GA: You Didnt Have To Make That Wish In Particular  
CA: I THOUGHT IT WAS A FUCKIN PRANK GIVVE ME A BREAK  
GA: Even So  
CA: OH COME ON IT WAS FOR LIKE HALF AN HOUR  
GA: Youll Have To Take It Up With Them  
CA: FUCK  
CA: oh shit  
CA: wwhat the fuck is fef going to say  
CA: is she gonna be mad  
CA: aww shit and noww EVVERYONE is pissed at me and not just almost evveryone  
CA: ughhhhh  
CA: wwhy me  
CA: wwhy does it all havve to happen to me  
CA: wwhat exactly did i do to deservve this  
GA: Well With That Problem Solved Ill Get Back To What I Was Doing  
GA: Bye  
CA: wwait kan  
CA: tell me wwhat to do to fix this  
CA: you owwe me

\-- grimAuxiliatrix [GA] stopped trolling caligulasAquarium [CA] \--

Eridan slammed his face back onto his keyboard as the sounds of incoming messages continued. Soon, he was crying again. He truly was cursed.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading!


End file.
